What's shakin' bacon? It's that time of (approximate) week again and I'm still kickin' like popcorn chicken! Alright enough talk of meat, let's get down to the nitty-gritty:.... actually grits suck. Let's talk about meat again. I love steak! Where are my steak people at? How do you like your steak? A juicy flavorful medium rare, or perhaps a crispy tender well done sirloin is more up your alley? Do you use steak sauce? Personally I eat my steak straight up, no sauces or anything to water down the pure unadulterated power of MEAT!
...What's that? I'm getting off topic? Fine, fine, I'll complain about crap for you. You lot sure are a demanding bunch...
Facebook Bugs ( Suggested by pretty much everyone, even the folks who have never read TWIR )
Part 1
I'm not gonna lie, this feels just a tad bit ironic, using this note-taking system to complain about the very site which hosts it.Well I love irony so in true blissfully ignorant fashion, I'm plowing forward no holds barred! ( Editor's note: Now that I've officially made a public blog for my rants, this statement is no longer valid, except for the original notes on my personal Facebook page. ) You all know as well as I do ( some of you actually probably know better than I do) that everyone's favorite social network created by Jesse Eisenberg, in its near infinite methods of communication across its broad worldwide servers has more than a few problems that need a fixin'. What's that? you can't send a gift of Farmville because Facebook froze up? Well my friend, your first mistake was playing FarmVille in the first place. GET OUT THERE AND PLAY A REAL VIDEO GAME, POSER. So you click send again. Still won't work?? Try clicking publish instead. Will that damn golden corn or whatever-the-bloody-hell-it-is just not send? perhaps smashing the clicker on your mourse until it becomes a hamster chew toy out of sheer frustration will ease your pain. Regardless, you decide to call it a day on your happy little field of dreams and want to hit up that chick you've got a thing for on Facebook IM. So you get the old mouse from the days when Windows ME was considered a hit and proceed to hit it off. Just as you're about to seal the deal on some plans for Friday night, your messages suddenly stop appearing in the chat window. So you try sending it again. Still doesn't work? Try using the submit button on the IM window. Oh wait, that's right! It doesn't have one! because such a simple feature that already exists on comments for everything, including photos, statuses, news, links, people's walls and even the posts on people's walls just doesn't have a useful enough place in the private quick conversation box that pretty much every other Instant Messaging system on the planet already has. After all, pressing the enter key is working just fine, that is until you smash it into a hamster chew toy out of sheer frustration. Maybe you can just send a private message, it works just as well, just at a fraction of the convenience, but alas, Facebook you always have a back up plan for your back up plan. How could we stay mad at you? Oh wait, it says my message didn't go through... I guess I'll just copy-paste it and send it again, I'm sure it was a one time thing after all Facebook is so great it can't possib- SEND THE MESSAGE YOUR CROOKED PIECE OF SOFTWARE MALARCHY!! So after you've smashed half your keyboard into hamster chew toys out of sheer frustration you decide to write to her in a note and tag her in it, not the most personal way to get a date, but everything else seemed to fail, so at least you've got an excuse. The note is all finished, formatted, spell checked and all that's left to do is tag Ms. Pretty Girl. Just type the name in the little bar, wait for it to load and click on her name! Easy!....nothing happened.. and the list of names is frozen on screen now. Click. Cliiiiiick.... Click on the name again. " That person has already been tagged." ...but they're not on the people tagged screen... I'll try again. " That person has already been tagged!" Whatever. obviously they've been tagged. The note is all published and now everything is in fine working order. You decide to read through your handywork out of pride, and it turns out you tagged her seven times! Oh woe! But wait! she commented on it! It says so because the notification bar won't close, and the big red 1 next to it won't go away no matter how much you click it! Well, just check the comment and worry about it later. She thinks... you're weird for writing about your "plans" together in a note and then tagging her 5 times and the weird guy who has a similar name underneath hers on your friend list 7 times! Maybe you guys should just stay friends. This is the part where you proceed to go all Office Space on your monitor and smash it into a hamster chew toy out of sheer frustration.
*Deep Breath*
Part 2
Has this happened to you before, or perhaps something similar? Judging by last week's feedback I'm gonna automatically assume "yes, oh lovely amazing handsome Jordan, it has!". Well here's the deal: Every software program is bound to have a crap ton of bugs and glitches and holes that will make you want to rip your hair out ( or scalp yourself if you're bald ). Just look at Windows! It's got more bugs swarming around it than an Ethiopian guy in the middle of the summer! Facebook bugs are quickly becoming a fact of life, much like getting up in the morning or that one bossy chick at work that nobody likes but they have to deal with anyway. If this weren't true, not even a fraction of you would still be on Facebook enough to ask me to complain about it to you! Facebook is so popular that regardless of how flawed the system is, you're just gonna come back again and jump through the same hoops all over again until you've reached the point of your story where you no longer have a working computer, but that hamster of yours is f*cking stoked. Argument B in the "Why Facebook is still such a piece of crap" is the same reason the Roman Empire fell apart ( or one of the reasons, anyway): It's gotten too damn big. Think of it like a bowl of pancake batter. You pour it out, and as you spread the pancake out, it gets wider and thinner until it starts leaving big gaping holes, but that pancake is freaking HUGE! It's reached the point where Facebook is beyond a global phenomenon. Years, decades from now people are gonna look back and see not the bugs in the IM or the notification bar, but the size, the scale and the effect it had on 21st century society. If there's a problem, go sign up on Twitter, a skeleton of everything Facebook offers, and proceed to flood the living hell out of it until it bugs up like no other and this whole process starts over again. Except maybe this time around I'll grow a beard... Just a random thought.
Damn... That was a long one. But I must say I feel as if I am becoming a master of my craft, designing quality rants for the masses! I should take on a ranting apprentice, someone to toil away in my shop and learn to do all the grunt tasks that I'm now too pretty for. Feel free to send in your applications at any time!
Overcomplicating Everything ( Inspired by Every Math Class Above Algebra 1 )
The teachers all told you the same thing since before you understood what they were getting at: You're going to need to know math! It'll always be there in the real world. That's true. What that doesn't mean, however is that in order to function in today's world even at most higher degree levels, you probably aren't going to need to know how to find the exact volume of a circular pyramid the size of a waffle cone ( unless of course you're an engineer of some kind, in which case more power to ya. ) or how to solve out a quadratic equation ( Unless of course you're a.... I don't even know... ). It may seem like I'm picking on math classes here to start, but the truth is that's just because it's such a prime example of what I'm talking about! You're going to need to know how to measure and find areas and perimeters and stuff. Granted. We learned that in what, 4th Grade? Why is it so required then that we push the boundaries of our number crunching abilities to the point whre one problem has to take up 10 sheets of paper? That's an inconvenient truth for ya right there, poor trees... We can apply this method of overcomplicating things to alot of situations in society: say you work in a clothing store and the display needs to be set up so the newest fashions are on display. Easy. However, the colors have to blend seamlessly into each other for more aesthetic appeal, also they have to be sorted from priciest to least expensive, also also they need to be placed exactly like this becaus that's the way the stores do it, also also also these two brands can't touch or else they'll have a big hissy fit and rip each other's hair out like two housewives over the last sundress at Fashion Bug. I get some of that, shockingly enough, but it eventuall reaches a point where it stops making business sense and you're basically just playing sudoku with a shoe wall. But hey, since when was work about making things easy and having fun? That's why it's called work. Or here's a classic! Getting a couch through a door! Everybody who's anybody has dealt with or at least heard of this one! Okay let's just back it through the door and... It's not gonna fit, alright just tilt it... no the other way! No, you gotta lift this end up then twist while backing up... It's still not working! That's because you have to take the cushions off, unscrew the armrests, twist it upwards and out, recite an incantation, dance around in a circle and THEN walk it in backwards. I love situations like that. How is it that that we've come from living in a cave where the problem was " Cold. Make fire. Warm. Problem solved." to needing to disect entire cars to get to one part, or planning out a wedding ten years in advance to make sure everyone and everything is tended to? Society is growing, expanding, much like the Facebook Pancake I talked about earlier. The more we've grown and learned and adapted, the more steps there have become to everything. I think the earlier guys had it easy discovering famous stuff. I mean all Pavlov had to do was realize a dog was drooling when its food came, all Ban Franklin had to do was play with metal in a thunderstorm, and the caveman just had to roll a smooth rock, rub two stickstogether to make himself warm..Oh yeah and not get eaten by a T-Rex. There was that. I sincerely hope that I don't live to see the day when ordering a pizza require more information and codes than what you could find in a local Library. That gives me what, 10, 20 years maybe? I think I'll just go live in a nice little grassy shack somewhere once I become successful. And I'll invite everyone over there, and we'll order a pizza in the most complicated way imaginable! Party at my place!
Sorry this one ended up being so long guys, that second point is just all the more ironic, now isn't it? You all know the drill, So I'll do us all a favor and simplify this for you: Like. Comment. Suggest. Share. Anyway, I'm tired. I'm going to go take a nap. Because naps are fun.
Keep On Truckin'
Jordan
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