TWIR: Trendsetter

I should warn you now, I'm gonna be taking a slightly different approach this week, while retaining all of the rant-y goodness, so bear with me.










You know what totally sucks? Writer's block. Any of the readers here who avidly write poetry or short stories can tell you that it is REALLY tough to get your creative juices flowing enough to spout off some creative drabble that everyone's gonna read and then you'll feel proud of yourself, but deep down you know that you had to try extra hard to squeeze out what they were reading, kinda like creative constipation or something, and you know it's nowhere near your best work. I hate when that happens. Good thing it isn't! Rant time!











When Something You Like Becomes Popular ( Suggested by Gabby Garlow, who in all liklihood would run for President of the Jordan Hill Fan Club )

It's not so bad being trendy

everyone who looks like me is my friend.

Please don't hate me because I'm trendy

they're not gonna laugh at me again.

It seems in most cases of pop culture and society, we end up being our own worst enemies. Whether its screwing over talented and popular actors at an MTV award event of some kind in favor of the kind of sh*t that people evidently listen to nowadays to taking something that was once revered as a favorite among the few who knew about it and overly publicize the living hell out of the poor suckers until suddenly it's so mainstream that the people who liked it " before it was cool" suddenly feel wronged at the garbage their beloved [insert something here] has become, and slightly embarassed for liking it. Let's look at a few examples, shall we? Just for the record, I actually like all of the things I'm about to mention.









1. Silly Bandz



I'll be the frist to admit that I knew absolutely nothing about Silly Bands until I started working at Hibbett Sports in March ( Thank you Crystal and Erin! ) I'm not quite sure how far along the fad was at that point, but we sold them in the store, and they flew off the shelves like hot cakes, and quite literally, up to and including my very last day there kids would still come in asking about them, and at least 30% of the customer's kids had them on. Probably more. My good friend and manager Erin was and I'm assuming still is big on these, she actually got me some as a gift a couple weeks before I left. It's amazing how I colored and oddly shaped rubber band franchise can grow from being a little school yard collectible to having branches for holidays, superheroes, tv shows and much, much more. Now everybody is talking and raving about them, they've been banned in schools a la Pokemon cards, and oh yeah! THEY'RE RUBBER BANDS! The last time something so mundane became such a hit was a little rock with a dog collar around it.







2. Paranormal Activity



Some people may not actually know this, but when Paranormal Activity first came out at its first film festival release, some folks were wrist deep in Harry Potter 7 and The Writer's Guild declared war on the internet becase of free online streaming of their content. ( It's worth noting this was before Hulu was around ). I'm referring to the year 2007. At these various small screenings where nobody but a bunch of lucky movie buffs and more importantly the snobby critics who decide which boring non-action movies deserve Oscars viewed it. In 2009 it was released in 12 theatres nationwide, and the word started spreading like wildfire, enough so that when it expanded to just 160 theatres ( thats an average of about 3 theatres per state for the math impaired, give or take a few. ) It took the #4 spot in the box office. The demand for " One of the scariest movies of all time " was so high that it made national news, finally, those of us who started spreading the word about this must-see horror movie got our wish. After expanding to its final count Paranormal Activity ended up beating Saw 6 for the #1 spot, despite still being in less than 1000 theatres. The movie was actually pretty good, and even kinda scary in that "I could totally see that actually happening to me except I'm not a dumbass mega-douche like that guy" sense. And so now it's time for "Where are They Now?", with your lovely and handsome commentator, ME!! Tonight's feature is Paranormal Activity, which after it's Cinderella Horror Story rise to the top of the mountain is currently in the process of filming its SEQUEL! This makes absolutely NO SENSE to anyone who saw the ending of the movie, and to put icing on the cake ( If you just made a Portal joke, the next subject is for you), the trailer was aired during the latest Twilight movie. I'm not even gonna start on that one. But wait, there's more! The guy who originally was gonna film the sequel had a contract elsewhere and had to pull out so he could direct ( Wait for it...) Saw 7. You know what, forget women. I have a love in my life, and her name is Irony.







3. Portal



Oh boy..... Oh, man, you guys are gonna hate me for this one. Funny story about how Portal got its start, and forgive me if my facts aren't straight: See the folks who made it consisted of about 12 or so guys I believe straight out of school were hired by Valve to make an "experimental" game to see how it would fare in the market, since Valve understandably decided not to inves huge amounts into a guinea pig of a game, the developers could only use stuff generated from or based off of the universe of a pre-existing Valve franchise, thus all the Half Life references. They also didn't want to make it a full fledged, full price game so they included it with all Three Half Life 2 games and the sorta kinda anticipated Team Fortress 2 in a lovely little package known as The Orange Box. What they found, once people got their hands on it was that Portal became a cult hit. People loved its brain melting offbeat genius, its addictive yet teasing world full of puzzles, GLaDOS, and of course, the inside jokes that came along for the ride. We all want a piece of that delicious, moist cake ( or Schwarzwaldkirschtorte as the Germans say it). That would have been fine, if it weren't for the fact that the Portal fanbase exploded to such a huge level that nowadays if you find yourself in the company of anybody who even owns a 360 ( or PS3 or PC, mind you) you can't say cake without some loud obnoxious roar about how "TEH CAKE IS A LIE!!!" Which at first was kinda fun, but eventually it got old. And then a year after it started getting old they decided to make a sequel. A full game sequel. With even. MOAR. CAKE. Good God. I'm all for more Portal, it's one of my all-time favorite games, the game and the storyline is nothing short of brilliant. But if all this cake nonsense starts again, I am going to personally hunt down each and every person that turns a dessert into a joke that's nowhere near inside anymore. The last time this happened was an equally annoying Psychology experiment-based process known as The Game.







These are just a few examples of once beloved franchises, fads, etc. that have become subject to too much attention, and went from being like acute little child star that we all loved and adored to that snobby mini-bitch on My Super Sweet 16 ( that show's still around, right? ) to

My advice to you all: Stick to the cult classics. Don't let something you love become completely poopular and known about unless you want to subject it to a thousand years of pain and agony under the viewing publics obsessive eye.











Hate me yet? I figured. Well feel free to tell me off in the comment section below, or just share the rant with all your friends so they ccan all hate me too, because if they all hate me, then I can't become popular, and unless you all have the attention span of a small rodent, that's actually a good thing. Thanks for reading, Haters gon' hate!







Keep on Truckin'







Jordan

TWIR: Sorry! An Error Has Occured!

What's shakin' bacon? It's that time of (approximate) week again and I'm still kickin' like popcorn chicken! Alright enough talk of meat, let's get down to the nitty-gritty:.... actually grits suck. Let's talk about meat again. I love steak! Where are my steak people at? How do you like your steak? A juicy flavorful medium rare, or perhaps a crispy tender well done sirloin is more up your alley? Do you use steak sauce? Personally I eat my steak straight up, no sauces or anything to water down the pure unadulterated power of MEAT!








...What's that? I'm getting off topic? Fine, fine, I'll complain about crap for you. You lot sure are a demanding bunch...







Facebook Bugs ( Suggested by pretty much everyone, even the folks who have never read TWIR )







Part 1







I'm not gonna lie, this feels just a tad bit ironic, using this note-taking system to complain about the very site which hosts it.Well I love irony so in true blissfully ignorant fashion, I'm plowing forward no holds barred! ( Editor's note: Now that I've officially made a public blog for my rants, this statement is no longer valid, except for the original notes on my personal Facebook page. ) You all know as well as I do ( some of you actually probably know better than I do) that everyone's favorite social network created by Jesse Eisenberg, in its near infinite methods of communication across its broad worldwide servers has more than a few problems that need a fixin'. What's that? you can't send a gift of Farmville because Facebook froze up? Well my friend, your first mistake was playing FarmVille in the first place. GET OUT THERE AND PLAY A REAL VIDEO GAME, POSER. So you click send again. Still won't work?? Try clicking publish instead. Will that damn golden corn or whatever-the-bloody-hell-it-is just not send? perhaps smashing the clicker on your mourse until it becomes a hamster chew toy out of sheer frustration will ease your pain. Regardless, you decide to call it a day on your happy little field of dreams and want to hit up that chick you've got a thing for on Facebook IM. So you get the old mouse from the days when Windows ME was considered a hit and proceed to hit it off. Just as you're about to seal the deal on some plans for Friday night, your messages suddenly stop appearing in the chat window. So you try sending it again. Still doesn't work? Try using the submit button on the IM window. Oh wait, that's right! It doesn't have one! because such a simple feature that already exists on comments for everything, including photos, statuses, news, links, people's walls and even the posts on people's walls just doesn't have a useful enough place in the private quick conversation box that pretty much every other Instant Messaging system on the planet already has. After all, pressing the enter key is working just fine, that is until you smash it into a hamster chew toy out of sheer frustration. Maybe you can just send a private message, it works just as well, just at a fraction of the convenience, but alas, Facebook you always have a back up plan for your back up plan. How could we stay mad at you? Oh wait, it says my message didn't go through... I guess I'll just copy-paste it and send it again, I'm sure it was a one time thing after all Facebook is so great it can't possib- SEND THE MESSAGE YOUR CROOKED PIECE OF SOFTWARE MALARCHY!! So after you've smashed half your keyboard into hamster chew toys out of sheer frustration you decide to write to her in a note and tag her in it, not the most personal way to get a date, but everything else seemed to fail, so at least you've got an excuse. The note is all finished, formatted, spell checked and all that's left to do is tag Ms. Pretty Girl. Just type the name in the little bar, wait for it to load and click on her name! Easy!....nothing happened.. and the list of names is frozen on screen now. Click. Cliiiiiick.... Click on the name again. " That person has already been tagged." ...but they're not on the people tagged screen... I'll try again. " That person has already been tagged!" Whatever. obviously they've been tagged. The note is all published and now everything is in fine working order. You decide to read through your handywork out of pride, and it turns out you tagged her seven times! Oh woe! But wait! she commented on it! It says so because the notification bar won't close, and the big red 1 next to it won't go away no matter how much you click it! Well, just check the comment and worry about it later. She thinks... you're weird for writing about your "plans" together in a note and then tagging her 5 times and the weird guy who has a similar name underneath hers on your friend list 7 times! Maybe you guys should just stay friends. This is the part where you proceed to go all Office Space on your monitor and smash it into a hamster chew toy out of sheer frustration.







*Deep Breath*







Part 2



Has this happened to you before, or perhaps something similar? Judging by last week's feedback I'm gonna automatically assume "yes, oh lovely amazing handsome Jordan, it has!". Well here's the deal: Every software program is bound to have a crap ton of bugs and glitches and holes that will make you want to rip your hair out ( or scalp yourself if you're bald ). Just look at Windows! It's got more bugs swarming around it than an Ethiopian guy in the middle of the summer! Facebook bugs are quickly becoming a fact of life, much like getting up in the morning or that one bossy chick at work that nobody likes but they have to deal with anyway. If this weren't true, not even a fraction of you would still be on Facebook enough to ask me to complain about it to you! Facebook is so popular that regardless of how flawed the system is, you're just gonna come back again and jump through the same hoops all over again until you've reached the point of your story where you no longer have a working computer, but that hamster of yours is f*cking stoked. Argument B in the "Why Facebook is still such a piece of crap" is the same reason the Roman Empire fell apart ( or one of the reasons, anyway): It's gotten too damn big. Think of it like a bowl of pancake batter. You pour it out, and as you spread the pancake out, it gets wider and thinner until it starts leaving big gaping holes, but that pancake is freaking HUGE! It's reached the point where Facebook is beyond a global phenomenon. Years, decades from now people are gonna look back and see not the bugs in the IM or the notification bar, but the size, the scale and the effect it had on 21st century society. If there's a problem, go sign up on Twitter, a skeleton of everything Facebook offers, and proceed to flood the living hell out of it until it bugs up like no other and this whole process starts over again. Except maybe this time around I'll grow a beard... Just a random thought.







Damn... That was a long one. But I must say I feel as if I am becoming a master of my craft, designing quality rants for the masses! I should take on a ranting apprentice, someone to toil away in my shop and learn to do all the grunt tasks that I'm now too pretty for. Feel free to send in your applications at any time!







Overcomplicating Everything ( Inspired by Every Math Class Above Algebra 1 )









The teachers all told you the same thing since before you understood what they were getting at: You're going to need to know math! It'll always be there in the real world. That's true. What that doesn't mean, however is that in order to function in today's world even at most higher degree levels, you probably aren't going to need to know how to find the exact volume of a circular pyramid the size of a waffle cone ( unless of course you're an engineer of some kind, in which case more power to ya. ) or how to solve out a quadratic equation ( Unless of course you're a.... I don't even know... ). It may seem like I'm picking on math classes here to start, but the truth is that's just because it's such a prime example of what I'm talking about! You're going to need to know how to measure and find areas and perimeters and stuff. Granted. We learned that in what, 4th Grade? Why is it so required then that we push the boundaries of our number crunching abilities to the point whre one problem has to take up 10 sheets of paper? That's an inconvenient truth for ya right there, poor trees... We can apply this method of overcomplicating things to alot of situations in society: say you work in a clothing store and the display needs to be set up so the newest fashions are on display. Easy. However, the colors have to blend seamlessly into each other for more aesthetic appeal, also they have to be sorted from priciest to least expensive, also also they need to be placed exactly like this becaus that's the way the stores do it, also also also these two brands can't touch or else they'll have a big hissy fit and rip each other's hair out like two housewives over the last sundress at Fashion Bug. I get some of that, shockingly enough, but it eventuall reaches a point where it stops making business sense and you're basically just playing sudoku with a shoe wall. But hey, since when was work about making things easy and having fun? That's why it's called work. Or here's a classic! Getting a couch through a door! Everybody who's anybody has dealt with or at least heard of this one! Okay let's just back it through the door and... It's not gonna fit, alright just tilt it... no the other way! No, you gotta lift this end up then twist while backing up... It's still not working! That's because you have to take the cushions off, unscrew the armrests, twist it upwards and out, recite an incantation, dance around in a circle and THEN walk it in backwards. I love situations like that. How is it that that we've come from living in a cave where the problem was " Cold. Make fire. Warm. Problem solved." to needing to disect entire cars to get to one part, or planning out a wedding ten years in advance to make sure everyone and everything is tended to? Society is growing, expanding, much like the Facebook Pancake I talked about earlier. The more we've grown and learned and adapted, the more steps there have become to everything. I think the earlier guys had it easy discovering famous stuff. I mean all Pavlov had to do was realize a dog was drooling when its food came, all Ban Franklin had to do was play with metal in a thunderstorm, and the caveman just had to roll a smooth rock, rub two stickstogether to make himself warm..Oh yeah and not get eaten by a T-Rex. There was that. I sincerely hope that I don't live to see the day when ordering a pizza require more information and codes than what you could find in a local Library. That gives me what, 10, 20 years maybe? I think I'll just go live in a nice little grassy shack somewhere once I become successful. And I'll invite everyone over there, and we'll order a pizza in the most complicated way imaginable! Party at my place!







Sorry this one ended up being so long guys, that second point is just all the more ironic, now isn't it? You all know the drill, So I'll do us all a favor and simplify this for you: Like. Comment. Suggest. Share. Anyway, I'm tired. I'm going to go take a nap. Because naps are fun.







Keep On Truckin'







Jordan

TWIR: Bi is The New Black

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'Afternoon everyone! Unless you're in Zimbabwe in which case "mshi Shona!" I'm terribly sorry that I'm a few days late with this latest installment of This Week in Rants, but I've been rather busy, what with the car trouble and the work schedule and... oh yeah! COLLEGE! By the way, how's lunch at Derby High? I just got back from an afternoon meal at Cowley, and my BACON CHEESEBURGER was delicious, thanks for asking. ( Jordan gained +5 Manliness for consuming bacon! ) A big thanks to everyone who showed up for the big Scott Pilgrim get together. It was a great time, as I'm sure you agree. and if you didn't come for whatever reason.... Shut up and eat your Rant Flakes.







The Current State of Bisexuality ( Inspired from a Private Conversation. You know who you are. )









I'm fully aware of the controversial territory in which I am treading, so try not to taze me. ( bro ) This is kind of a tricky puzzle to unravel as teenage society has really spun what was once the centerpiece for people's political, cultural and spiritual beliefs into just another layer of today's sparkly confusing teenage cluster-cake ( I'm also aware I just said 'cake'. I'll pause so you can get all the Portal jokes out of the way. ) . I can't help but notice how nowadays people's sexuality has morphed like a cheap Power Ranger knock off from being a serious matter of people's beliefs and feelings into "The 'in' thing". Don't get me wrong, If you're actually gay, I have absolutely no problem with that. ( except fairies. See TWIR #1 ). But there now seems to be a trend as popular as Twitter itself where some folk ( usually whiny little emo girls, see TWIR # 2 ), usually after feeling wronged by their last relationship decided that they were going to migrate into a self-invented gray area where they, along with the rest of their whiny little emo buddies, can experiment, most of the time with each other, through what usually ends up being nothing but a little bit of hand holding or excessive hugging, to see if maybe the reason things aren't working with their last guy is because they weren't in fact into guys. Thus the gray area is created. At the risk of upsetting those who actually -are- certain about their sexuality, we shall call this gray area "Modern Bisexuality". This kind of buzz about being differrent in one way or another hasn't been this present in culture since the Civil Rights movement in the 60's. The difference? African Americans actually had a cause, a goal, and knew firmly where they stood on the matter, and because of that is one of the proudest moments in America's history. The problem with Modern Bisexuality is exactly what I have mentioned above: THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY BISEXUAL. What they are, is really young, really, REALLY confused, and just a tad bit disappointed that more guys aren't throbbing romantics or exactly like Edward Cullen, although in their defense if I were them and Edward Cullen was my ideal man, I'd wonder if I was actually into chicks too. While in this stage of their sad, twisted and yet slightly aggravating phase of their not-so-golden years their main interests seem to include whoring themselves out to everyone except the people most interested in them writing mediocre poetry making sure the latest Twilight movie dominates MTV airwaves , and dying their hair multiple colors so many times a cancer kid would probably want to punch them in the face more than I do. ( That = ALOT ) I'm going to end in a fair manner by addressing these poor children with some advice that I can only hope with all of my sarcastically shriveled and blackened heart they listen to: Serious decisions are considered serious for a reason. Please try to actually wrap your mind around what you're claiming. Now go sit quietly in a corner until you have your pretty little head back on straight and are ready to deal with life like the grown ups. You're here, but not queer, so don't try, get used to it.







People who Succeed with Little to No Effort or Skill ( Suggested by Blake Cordell )







This surely is something almost each and every one of us is familiar with. We all know or have heard of somebody who, although no more skilled than the rest of us, has been blessed with several achievements in life that the rest of us have about as much of a chance at as we do winning the lottery. It seems rather tragic, yes, but as a reallist I've seen that this is just how the world seems to work. While some of us dedicate our very livlihood to our craft, be it acting, writing, building legos or trying to achieve YouTube stardom, we simply can't seem to grasp that brass ring that appears to just be handed to others while we're standing right there next to them all like "WTF Mate?!?". So what seems to be the answer? Why do they get to taste victory? What do we need to do differently? Why is it that all the Freds and the Paris Hiltons out there take their stardom for granted while we're stuck grasping straws? For the most part, it's simply a matter of connections, who knew whom when and where, their stars simply alligned in a way that's extremely uncommon, and even more successful. The other half of the equation is luck. Plain and simple. It's just a game of chance, a spin of the roulette, someone who just happened to put up a video ( sometimes a very painful video ) that someone big saw, or that their friends sent to their friends who each sent it to 100 of their friends in a sick exclusive pyramid scheme with the "star" not quite at the top, but rather a shiny centerpiece dangling above it like that creepy eye on the dollar bill. The trick is to not spend any more time than you have to on your craft. If you wanna be a YouTube sensation, post some videos, and wait for them to do the rest ( make sure it at least looks decent though ) If you wanna be a movie star, great! So do I! Just make sure you do your acting thing on the side, and put a good decent amount of time into college, a career, or a family. Because I guarantee you that's one thing all the famous tramps in the world wish they could have. Being normal, if you can actually call us that. XD







So after that little spew of unbelieveably cheesy inspiration, I'm sad to say that yet another week has gone by for my rants. I'm also thinking about televising some of my rants, with the help of my roomate, Heath. Would you guys watch rants, or do you like them as notes where you can read them yourselves?? I'll be back soon with another note, just as soon as I'm able to rally enough EP ( Ego Points) to level up to my next rant. You can help me achieve this by Liking, Commenting, and spreading the word to others who aren't on my page, keep in mind not everyone is as fortunate as you who get to indulge in my sputterings. MAKE ME FAMOUS YO!!!







'Till next time, Keep on Truckin'







Jordan







P.S. Sorry if the second rant seemed sickeningly optimistic, I wasn't particularly fired up when I was writing this. Next week's will be EXTRA DARK to make up for it! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

TWIR: 1337 FTW!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, quadripeds and cephalapods, are you ready for a spectacle the likes of which you've never seen with your mortal eyes? Well, you came to the wrong place. Instead I'll be spending the next [ however long it takes you to read this note ] spouting mild obscenities and making words fly off the screen at you like a bad 3D movie, just without all the cartooney gimmicks that make a mildly enjoyable movie totally suck. But I'll save the 3D drabble for another note. Today in my rants I'll not only be creatively complaining about the problems that strike us all down like some annoying act of God, but I'll be putting my very livlihood on the line to explain to you one of the biggest plagues in the online community today. These notes are gonna make me famous I tells ya.




People Who Type Weird ( By Popular Decision )



I was going to save this one for my second rant because I wanted it to be the main event of the week, but this works just fine too. I'll figure something out for the second rant when I get to it. Now, You all demanded it so here it is: My no holds barred spew about the people out there who can't seem to type normally!!!



Actually, there's a bit of a problem with this: I happen to know for a fact that one of the most suggested forms of weird typers, that being people who replace certain letters with numbers ( l1k3 th15). This is called "1337 speak" ( read 'leet speak), happens to have a rich, deep seeded background which exists strongly in the realm of my beloved gamer community. Therefore, to get all up in yo grill about how much they suck would pretty much make me a total hypocrite, which nobody likes. But here's the deal. There are also quite a few people out there who abuse this privilege and make the rest of the online folk look bad by association, and I for one will not stand for this.



People Who Type Weird ( and don't deserve to )



You see, the people I refer to are called posers and do not accurately display the symbols of a true proud gamer, but rather some close cousin of the troll trying to fit in where they obviously do not belong, like the retarded square piece trying to fit into the triangle on that old kid's toys. EVEN THE MONKEYS KNOW HOW TO GET THAT ONE RIGHT! COME ON!!! These folks think theyre so hot because they know how to type like us. They think that because they know our code, they're in. You were wrong. DEAD WRONG. And I mean that literally, because they're usually the ones face down in a pool of their own blood on a open server game of Halo. If you want to be one of us you smug little fool, you'd better be able to stand with the rest of us and pull that virtual trigger like a virtual MAN, because the these soldiers of the internet you're up against have been carving their legacy for the past 30 years, and in that time we've done things no human can ever attest to. We've survived the apocalypse time and again, mowed down entire armies by ourselves, We've sold out stadiums with our rock, and we've made time our bitch. We've led our guilds to glorious victory and we've stood together in cold defeat. We have ruled worlds, and we have made them crumble. WE collected the coins, WE defeated the giant monsters, and WE SAVED THE MOTHERF*CKING PRINCESS!!! We are the proudest nerds on God's green Earth. We are gamers, and if you can't walk the walk, then it's time to die, n00b.



Intermission time! While you pick up your melted faces and dropped jaws off the floor, I'm gonna take a quick second to introduce my basis for this next rant. You see, the people who type weird suggestion was so overwhelmingly popular, that I couldn't pick a clear winner out of the rest! sorry! Instead I'ma go ahead and spout off another original for you, just a little food for thought to gear you up for another week. Everybody ready? Drinks refilled? Glasses on? ( see top of note) Then consider my second rant BEGUN!!!



Country Music



Perhaps I should clarify. I don't hate all country music. Hell, some of it is rather legendary in the music world. The REAL probelm I have with Country is the stuff that isn't REAL Country. I for one stopped paying attention to Country music about the time Brad Paisley took off, until I started my current job, where the radio station for our store is 90% Country Crap. I've noticed a trend in alot of the songs they play nowadays and pass them off in the country genre. These includes Country Stereotypes including Tractors, Spittin' Dip, Bonfires, etc. but also incluse some of the most irritatingly ludicrous ideas for songs that I've ever heard! Even from Hip Hop and Rap, which I don't even consider real music! Examples include comparing women's asses to junk in a trailer yard, how proud they are of our government and transvestives and/or crossdressers ( I'm not kidding. It's called Bobbi with an I. look it up.). And of course there's always the uber patriotism instilled in pretty much EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY SONG ON THE RADIO RIGHT NOW. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of our troops and America has its okay moments, but I don't need the whole weepy deep pro-soldier war story angle in 99.9% of today's Country. I remember the days when Country had depth, an original sound, a following people could respect and songs that didn't fulfill the southern stereotype, and we all know how much I hate that from TWIR #1. As much as I'd love to see some of the good coutry brought back, I sadly don't think it's gonna happen, So I'll just have to do what the rest of the people who enjoyed the older country do: Look for the gems hidden in the dip spit of the music world. God is Great, Beer is Good, and People are Crazy.





That wraps up another edition of This Week in Rants! Didn't quite live up to what you were expecting? Well too bad. I'd sure as hell like to see you do better. But, I'm an understanding guy, so if you've got constructive criticism, suggestions for next week, or 40 CCs of pure unadulterated Ego you'd like to send my way, feel free to leave me a comment, like the note, or just spread the word to the other folks who aren't as lucky as you to read these notes. Until next week friends!



Keep on Truckin'



Jordan

TWIR: Don't Feed the Troll

What? You didn't think I was actually going to do it, did you? Well guess what suckers, I'm back with a brand new song and dance! As promised, here's the second edition of This Week in Rants, brought to you by your own suggestions, my dark perturbed mind and love for attention, and FRITOS: When hunger strikes, a light weight snack just isn’t going to cut it. You need something that’s going to hold you over and keep you satisfied. At times like these, you need the big, bold taste of FRITOS The original Corn Chips. With the classic corn taste and hearty texture that goes crunch, FRITOS The Original Corn Chips, an unmistakable all-American original. Right out of the bag, sprinkled on some chili or digging into you favorite dip… Nothing satisfies like FRITOS!




Let's begin, shall we?



Trolls ( As suggested by Ryan Fisher )



The following is the 2nd definition listed for "Troll" on Urban Dictionary



"One who purposely and deliberately (that purpose usually being self-amusement) starts an argument in a manner which attacks others on a forum without in any way listening to the arguments proposed by his or her peers. He will spark of such an argument via the use of ad hominem attacks (i.e. 'you're nothing but a fanboy' is a popular phrase) with no substance or relevence to back them up as well as straw man arguments, which he uses to simply avoid addressing the essence of the issue. "



At this point I would normally proceed to rave about how trolls are the kind of people who scour the deepest troves of the internet, holding nothing sacred in our community and utterly causing a total breakdown of everything we in the internet have strived for. I sincerely hope that none of you ever meet a person who is proud to be a troll. I had a class with a guy who was a proud Furry, and I'm not even going to begin on how creepy it was. I will therefore submit to you that going on a tangent about how much trolls suck would only further satisfy their cravings. This is known as "feeding the troll" and would serve about as much forward progress as putting water on a grease fire. Instead I shall close out this particular rant with a few key words of advice for you little internet-goers out there: Should you come across a troll, it will be easily identifiable by its need to maintain an argument, and yet have little to no valid or relevant backup for said argument. All it wants is to upset you, and if you let this happen, then successful troll is successful. The easiest way to extinguish the troll is to simply spread the word to "not feed the troll" and hope that others are all the wiser, as I have just made you.



Any questions? See? It's funny because you can't ask questinos yet because you're in the middle of reading my note. SAVE ALL QUESTIONS UNTIL THE END. Applause however, is welcome at all times.



Girls That Act Stupid( As suggested by Gabby Garlow )



This one's going to be fun.



We all know how much I hate emo song lyrics posted as Facebook statuses. I'm gonna stop beating that dead horse right here. Instead, I'm gonna go deeper and attack the root of the problem, and many others facing teenage society today: I'm of course talking about the little girls who just can't seem to get the picture. All the Emo Crybabies, all the attention whores, all the Twilight obsessed, Disney Channel loving drama queen Justin Bieber soundalikes that make the sane people in the world want to find creative new uses for a power sander. If you really convinced some poor skater-slacker sap to be your "lover" that's all fine and well, less possibility for a mismatch with soeone who would actually be doing the gene pool a few favors. What does perturb me, however, is when starting close to one week after said relationship has been initiated, all I'm seeing is a literal crap ton of flirty little posts and tagged statuses about how much you're in love with him, and how he's the best thing that ever ever ever ever happened to you, and you two are gonnna be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and EVAR!!! I don't want to hear about your little fairy tale romance that's about as old as my last rant note, and neither do any of your friends, not the ones you shunned for probably trying to give you the same advice I'm drilling into your eyes right now, nor the other little clusters of girls just like you with their slacker dumbass boyfriends that tag along with you and enable you to keep doing EXACTLY WHAT THE REST OF US HATE WITH ALL OUR HEARTS. And even if you do manage to last for a number of months and we've all become numb to your open gaga-ness, it doesn't change the fact that sooner or later the truth is gonna hit you like a brick wall, and when that happens before that happens I offer you this gem of wisdom I heard from a friend :Babies in the backseat cause accidents, and accidents in the backseat cause babies. Congratulations, I just saved whats left of your dignity, although I have a sinking feeling I just fed a new breed of troll while doing it.





Like what you read here? Well then prove it. Like the note to enforce positive feedback and eoncourage further notes. 30% of each 'Like' will benefit my eg for the next note. If you've got questions, concerns, rave reviews or suggestions for next week's note, feel free to leave a comment, I'll be reading each one of them and I'll be back next week for round three! Until then, kiddies!



Keep on Truckin',



Jordan

This Week in Rants: A Experiment in Episodic Note Taking

Greetings peons, this is your humble commentator on life Jordan "WiiMan" Hill. As many of you already know, I like to blow off my steam about problems in the world through venting about them. I find this to be incredibly helpful, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like I'm almost taking out my frustrations on you. But that couldn't possibly be true. That'd be silly. Regardless, I have come to the conclusion that not only will putting forth the initiative to start my own series of episodic weekly notes where I rant about stuff help me blow off steam and increase my popularity exponentially, but it may also be a great sprinboard for my oft-dreamed of career as a stand up comedian. So without further ado, I shal begin.




People Who Fulfill Stereotypes



When it comes to people themselves, I cannot think of any one type of person that grinds my gears to their iron oxide encrusted cores than those who fulfill their cultures' stereotypes to a T. I'm not just talking about a black guy who likes kool-aid or a mexican dude who enjoys a nap every now and then. I'm talking about the full on, straight from society's sense of humor trolls of the real world who are pretty mcuh the reason said stereotypes exist in the first place. Take homosexuals for example. ( I'm straight btw, just saying. Chicks FTW) I honestly have no problem with your sexuality. We live in a day age and place where it's almost completely okay to be yourself in every manner, but when you start parading down the street wearing some chaffon sweater and carrying a little dog in your handbag, I can't help but feel a little perturbed. I'm pretty sure that unless that's seriously how you act all the time, all it's really doing is making the rest of the gay community look stupid. And I know some pretty cool gay people, so even I'm a tad insulted, WHAT DOES THAT SAY TO YOU? Or perhaps you're too busy listening to the latest Miley Cyrus single to offer a second of your precious time to come back from fairy-land and actually CONTRIBUTE A SHRED OF NORMALCY. Before I get some cease and desist letter from the Gay pride community ( and I apologize for singling just that cultural group out, but I only had room for one example and this was an easy one to roll with) I'll close on this note: If it weren't for the .5% of folks who act EXACTLY like ignorant people expect them to, we would be so very much closer to realising that far off dream of a society where we all can understand and expect each other, but in the words of Steven Tyler, "Dream On."



The A-Holes Who Always Get the Girl



This is probably the single most aggravating thing guys in today's world have to put up with. For our entire childhoods guys like me were raised on the belief that we were to always be polite to others, to be considerate of their feelings, to not call names, be exceedingly violent and to be humble in your forthcomings. I am happy to say that I have found a balance of these while maintaining a healthy social life. But why is it, and I ask this not just to the ladies out there, but to all who endeavor in my quest to solve this age old social algorithm, That the people who rack up the biggest numbers in the game of love are those who act the most primal, throwing their weight around,looking out for their own personal entertainment and contentment above all others? It shocks me, ladies and gentlemen, that such injustice can exist in a world where we are led to believe just the opposite is the social norm? Maybe the answer is somewhere in the question: Perhaps it's some deep-seeded primal instinct that makes people gravitate towards the alpha-male, the biggest brooding gorilla in the vicinity to carry on our generation... That's just one take on it. I'm sure as they always say justice will be served in the end, but on an individual level! There's always gonna be some d-bag who can get away with anything just because he wants to and he's not afraid who he offends, and he ends up with exactly WHO he wants! This isn't breaking news my friends! So why does this always, ALWAYS happen! For people like me, who the only thing they have going for them is a wit sharp enough to make a diamond turn emerald with envy, what are we gonna do about it? Who are we gonna call? Certainly not the GhostBusters, they went out of business years ago.





That's it for this inaugural edition of This Week in Rants! For future notes I will be attempting to try and get one of these posted every week, give or take a couple days. As for the subject mattter, there's only so many things I can pull out of my own hat before I REALLY start offending people, so here's your job: I want you all to comment on this note, and give me material for my next note. I'll pick some of the best requests that collect over the next 5-9 days and come next week, I'll openly complain about them in a darkly humorous manner for all of you to indulge in and enjoy. So comment, and I'll see y'all back here in a week!







With regards to your cat Mittens, and his recent rise to internet fame,



Jordan